A couple months ago I bought new socks. Star Wars socks. So, I had no other choice but to buy them. I threw them in the wash before I wore them, because ew. My dear mother, whom I love very dearly, folded that load of laundry for me. When I grabbed my first pair from the new packet of socks, I noticed that one sock was Yoda and one was Chewbacca. A weird combination, but you know, at the end of Episode III when Yoda’s saved. Or at least that was my thinking. So, I had that “pair”. It wasn’t until today when I was putting my laundry away that I realized I had two pairs of the Chewbacca/Yoda combination.
So, apparently when my mom was folding my laundry that time the socks were washed, she gave zero fucks about matching. I’ve washed these socks many times in the past couple of months. Never once did it occur to me that I wasn’t dealing with an actual pair of socks. I didn’t ever stop to think my weird pair of socks (which were completely different from all the other pairs in the packet) really didn’t make any sense. I mean maybe if Yoda were Han or Chewbacca were Obi-wan, it would have been much more logical. But no. The thought didn’t occur to me until I saw the 2 pairs.
Obviously, eventually I discovered the truth. It just took me months. Perhaps a little longer than it ought to have. I guess this could be an overarching theme for my life in general. Normally, I’m able to recognize the truth, but when I don’t, it takes me longer than it should to recognize it. The most recent truth I recognized in a slow manner, is that I don’t have to self-sabotage when something is going good for me. I don’t have to quit my job or do something to get me fired just after I got a raise. I don’t have to run out and find other guys, when I realize a good guy likes me and I like him. I don’t have to give up writing the story I’ve had so much inspiration for. I don’t have to do any other number of things whenever I’m afraid of losing something good.
I don’t even want to think of how much I lost out on because of self-sabotage. That being said, I’m glad I’ve finally come to this conclusion. I see the truth in I am worth more than what I’ve allowed myself in the past. And it only took me 36 years. Fine, fine, fine. I’m sure at one point in my life before this, I knew I was worth more than fucking up everything good. But I’m pretty sure on more than one occasion, I’ve heard “this is why we can’t have nice things” directed at me. I know there are those out there who are going to say, “You’re comparing your Star Wars socks to the habitual act of self-preservation?” And to those folks, I say, “Yes. Yes. I am.” Because Star Wars is life. Or because Star Wars socks are that amazing. You be the judge.