Giving It Time

A couple months ago I bought new socks. Star Wars socks. So, I had no other choice but to buy them. I threw them in the wash before I wore them, because ew. My dear mother, whom I love very dearly, folded that load of laundry for me. When I grabbed my first pair from the new packet of socks, I noticed that one sock was Yoda and one was Chewbacca. A weird combination, but you know, at the end of Episode III when Yoda’s saved. Or at least that was my thinking. So, I had that “pair”. It wasn’t until today when I was putting my laundry away that I realized I had two pairs of the Chewbacca/Yoda combination.

So, apparently when my mom was folding my laundry that time the socks were washed, she gave zero fucks about matching. I’ve washed these socks many times in the past couple of months. Never once did it occur to me that I wasn’t dealing with an actual pair of socks. I didn’t ever stop to think my weird pair of socks (which were completely different from all the other pairs in the packet) really didn’t make any sense. I mean maybe if Yoda were Han or Chewbacca were Obi-wan, it would have been much more logical. But no. The thought didn’t occur to me until I saw the 2 pairs.

Obviously, eventually I discovered the truth. It just took me months. Perhaps a little longer than it ought to have. I guess this could be an overarching theme for my life in general. Normally, I’m able to recognize the truth, but when I don’t, it takes me longer than it should to recognize it. The most recent truth I recognized in a slow manner, is that I don’t have to self-sabotage when something is going good for me. I don’t have to quit my job or do something to get me fired just after I got a raise. I don’t have to run out and find other guys, when I realize a good guy likes me and I like him. I don’t have to give up writing the story I’ve had so much inspiration for. I don’t have to do any other number of things whenever I’m afraid of losing something good.

I don’t even want to think of how much I lost out on because of self-sabotage. That being said, I’m glad I’ve finally come to this conclusion. I see the truth in I am worth more than what I’ve allowed myself in the past. And it only took me 36 years. Fine, fine, fine. I’m sure at one point in my life before this, I knew I was worth more than fucking up everything good. But I’m pretty sure on more than one occasion, I’ve heard “this is why we can’t have nice things” directed at me. I know there are those out there who are going to say, “You’re comparing your Star Wars socks to the habitual act of self-preservation?” And to those folks, I say, “Yes. Yes. I am.” Because Star Wars is life. Or because Star Wars socks are that amazing. You be the judge.

It’s a Magical Monday

Okay. Not really. But as I was thinking for a title of this blog, I heard someone say this. Granted, it was on the internet and probably taken out of context. Still though… I’d like to pretend today was magical. I’d like to pretend that I got all my paperwork done. And I’d like to pretend all my clients showed up and magically, I was able to assist them all in seeing their paths or truths or what have you. Also, I’d like to pretend the food I ordered was already here and instead of this, I was stuffing my face with delicious delights from the local Italian joint.

In reality, today was quite drab. Yes, the sunshine was out. Yes, it was warm out. But other than that this Monday was the type of Monday that Manic Monday was written about. Yup, that’s where I’m at with this day. And once again, I’m not ungrateful for it, but I’m not exactly grateful for it either. I appreciate the world didn’t implode in on itself. I appreciate I was in contact with my friends. I appreciate that my fingers and mind are working enough for me to write this. But goodness, it was difficult to stay awake for a large portion of the day.

Oh food is here. I shall end this and stuff my face. Sorry so short, but ya know, food.

Saturday Morning Cartoons

I kicked off my Saturday with cartoons. First it was Scooby-Doo then it was Looney Toons. This is the best way to start off any day, especially a Saturday. At least in my humble opinion. Normally, I set my alarm for the last second and in a robot-like state do my thing. I’m not even I’d be able to say what my thing is, because in the morning I’m just that alert. I know it has to include at least me getting dressed as I rarely show up to work in the clothes I fell asleep in. And sometimes it has to involve coffee because I have a coffee cup in my hand

I’m baffled at when my life became so grown-up. I mean even when I was working on my degree and then depressed, I still never just sat back and/or did something I enjoy. That’s right I totally enjoy Scooby-Doo and Looney Toons. Fuck! I enjoy most cartoons I watch. Give me Animaniacs and Recess, and I’m a happy camper. I actually laughed this morning. It was the morning. As in before noon, and I laughed. Several times. I may have fallen back asleep later, but still it was a beautiful way to start the day. So now I’m torn between the getting maximum seconds of sleep or do I make more of an effort to begin my day with something I enjoy.

Even when I was a kid this was the debate for me. Apparently, I’ve always been a “night owl” and preferred to “sleep in”. So I enjoyed the later morning cartoons as a kids. Bugs Bunny was usually playing when I woke up. Why did he always miss his turn at Albuquerque?!?! Regardless of he ended up in different times and places when he was trying to get to Palm Springs, laughter is a good way to start off the day. It was something that most American kids in certain generations seemed to know. Like it was Truth set in stone. Then somehow, we got away from it or at least I did.

Sometime, I let go of needing laughter to start my day. Responsibility crashed into my life in ways I couldn’t imagine. And it took some fluke to get me to watch cartoons this morning. To get me to laugh and remember. Yes, this is a good way to start the day. Maybe not as powerful as coffee, but good in a different way. With that. I’m bidding you a good day, dear readers. I’m gonna nap and/or watch some more cartoons.

First Firsts

So, as I mentioned in Monday’s blog, I’ve reopened an online dating profile. It happened because I was bored. I know I’ve also talked about accepting the mundane things of life, but this was different. The feeling that spurred me to recreate a new dating profile was more along the lines of “holy shit! Judging dudes based solely on their looks sounds cool as fuck right now.” It was that sorta impulse that led me to choose super cute pics and made an attempt to come across like a total freak. And before I knew I was swiping left like a mother fucker.

Much to my surprise first firsts since things ended with Hotty McHotster began to happen. There was the first first message exchange. “Your profile is totally entertaining. I wish more were like yours.” And of course there was the first pick-up line from a catfish. “Ur very beautiful. I would like to know u more. Pls say u want to get to know me too.” Except with more spelling errors and poorer grammar and more awkward wording. Then there was the first first request for my number or offer of number. “I think you should text me.” And eventually, there was the first first time I accepted some dude’s offer to text him and get to know each other.

I didn’t realize how much lingering lingerness there was from my last dating experiences until these choices had to be made. All the thoughts raced through my head as I tried to protect myself from making the same mistakes of last time. There were now many more considerations and refusals to engage with dudes. None of this was as apparent as it was when it came time for the first first date. Before, I would have been laid back and let the dude dictate what we do. It was my way of getting more information out of him. But this time… Nope. I was in control of the planning.

As it turns out, date was good but there was no follow-up. It did leave me thinking about a conversation I had with work mom. You know the woman I with whom I work who mothers me when it comes to my love life. She was great when I told her about everything that happened back in May. One thing she said stood out, “if you get sick on Indian food, you’re going to be wary of Indian food for a long time. It may go away. Or it may not, but there’s a reason for it.” Wise words from a woman who has been around a while.

Perhaps one day, I’ll be more casual with the planning. Perhaps one day, I’ll meet a guy whom I’ll trust to make plans. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. There’s no way to know for sure. So, I think for now I’m just going to enjoy the ride.

Whoa

It has been over a week since I wrote a blog. Life just carried me away for a bit. Which really, I think needed to happen. I needed to have fun and see new things… even if they were in the middle of nowhere or even if I had seem them before but through a different lens. It feels as though I’ve been running non-stop for the past week or so. But I’m really not complaining. I think I had gotten to the point in my life and blogging where I was like those people who are too busy taking photographs to notice what’s happening around them.

So much is rushing through my head as think about what all has happened since the last time I blogged. And I’m not sure I’d ever be able to accurately recreate any of it and do any justice to the actual events to which I’m referring. So then what just in the hell am I blogging about? I have no fucking idea. Honestly. This is literally a blog about nothing and yet everything as I’m at a loss what to write about due to being overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the good and the bad and worst of all, the indifferent.

I thought it’d be so easy to get back into blogging after taking a while off. But all the things are rushing through my head. Talk about first firsts since reopening my online dating profile. Or talk about the adventures as of late with  friends and our cameras. Or talk about the craziness that is my work and family. Or talk about those things which still keep me up at night and those things that the run through my waking mind. Yet still I don’t know how to makes sense of it all the thoughts and the emotions that go along with them. Excitement. Fear. Anxiety. Overthinking (You may say this isn’t an emotion, but I beg to differ). Joy. Must not forget the joy.

Right so. Now that’s out of the way, Wednesday I’m sure will be way more cohesive and thoughtful. And there may even be an actual storyline… Or I’m just reaching for the stars there.

An Arrangement

I got a text from my roommate on Tuesday afternoon. I’m housesitting right now, and she went away for the weekend before. Needless to say, it has been a while since we have had a face-to-face talk, including the first of the month. The text from my roommate on Tuesday told me that a gentleman friend of hers found a one-hundred dollar bill under her pillow, and he freaked out. When I read this, I laughed and laughed.

My roommate has the full amount of our rent come out of her account automatically. When I moved in, we worked it out so I would pay her a portion of the rent each time I got paid in cash. Meaning, I would pay her in cash. Normally, on my paydays, I walk to the ATM, withdraw what I owe, and then I give it to her. If she’s not around, due to the layout of our place, I put the money under her pillow. I did as much when I got paid as she had already left for the weekend.

As I slid the fat wad of money under her pillow, I giggled at what would happen if her gentleman caller found the money. Seriously, what would you think if you went over to a friend’s house for some adult fun times and found cash under her/his pillow? Tell me, your mind wouldn’t race with all sorts of naughty explanations!!! There’s so much potential for awkward conversations and looks. So when it actually happened, it gave me much pleasure. And end of scene.

This whole thing got me thinking about what other sort of dodgy arrangements I have with people in my life. As it turns out, I really don’t have any other dodgy arrangements. And really, the arrangement I have with my roommate isn’t dodgy unless certain factors come into play. I can’t wait until the next seemingly benign arrangement I have become a topic of hilarity.

All the Things

I’ve had a pretty damn good weekend. Good things happened. Nothing absolutely horrible catastrophic happened. And of course, there has been plenty of mundane. I’ve had a strange relationship with mundane post-depressive episode. I appreciate it and yet, it can drive me crazy. It’s no longer something I try to avoid at all costs. I don’t necessarily seek it out, but when it’s here I can ride it out. Right, right, right, that’s not the point of this blog. Or maybe it is. I don’t know for sure. I have to talk about the beautifully cool things from the weekend.

Friday, my weekend from work started at 2:30 in the afternoon. I had to go to the dentist to fill my last two cavities. For as masochistic (or is it sadistic?) as this may sound, I laughed a lot. I wasn’t even on the gas or drugs. No! As it turns out, my dentist and his assistant are hilarious, especially when the Dumb and Dumber quotations started. Side note: it is difficult to laugh when you have the back of the throat sucker lodged in your mouth. But I didn’t even gag, so I have that going for me. The right side of my mouth was numb for the rest of the evening. I looked (0kay, maybe I just felt like) Two-Face, except half my face wasn’t melted off with acid. Fine, it may have been nothing like Two-Face, but it’s just weird, okay.

Okay. After the dentist, I went to see Labyrinth with my 18 year old niece/best friend’s daughter. That’s right. She’s 18 and still wants to hang out with me. I don’t even have to bribe with wine. Fine, I did buy her dinner and movie tickets, but she initiated the text to hang out. And we have tentative plans to hang out again. So, maybe, the people she has been hanging out the most with are her grandparents. As lovely as they are, they could be described as “eccentric”. The fact remains, she still wants to hang out with me, and that makes me feel all gushy inside.

The next night was BMN (bad movie night)!!! We did a double and a half feature. And I was in charge of bringing food. I went to Trader Joe’s hungry. Thus, there “may” have been quite the “variety”. Side note: Going to Trader Joe’s is the worst whilst simultaneously being the best. We watched a non-Christmas Hallmark rom-com movie, and I didn’t throw up in my mouth once. Progress!!! Or is that the exact opposite of progress? I did point out that in real life XYZ would never happen but ABC would instead. Then we threw our heads back and laughed. The last film, which was we only partially got through due to the time and the porn-like quality to it had Joey Lawrence playing a hitman. Yup. That’s all i got to say about that.

Yesterday, I may have let social anxiety get the better of me. But I’m okay with that. I hope I didn’t offend the hostess of the party I was thinking of attending. However, just the thought of hanging out with people I barely knew, caused my stomach to do all sorts of terrible things. So, now I have to figure out what to do with my the sparklers I have. I’d like to involve my parents’ cat. 1) Because she would be adorable with colored fire creating a halo. And 2) because she’s a cat, and we all know cats love shit like that. Or is it kids? I guess there’s only one way to find out for sure. Yes, plans for tonight secured!

Enjoy your mundane and good days my dear readers.