Deja-vu?

Another online dating profile. Another crushing disappointment. Like a DVD watched on repeat. The same story. The same characters. The same ending. Okay, perhaps it’s not as bad as that. I mean this time guy I fell for didn’t know best friend or anyone I know (to my knowledge). But the sting of rejection is here again. Rejection by some guy who I don’t truly know and who doesn’t truly know me nor will it ever happen. I want him to prove me wrong. Not all guys online are ball less bastards or complete freaks…

The worst part is that this fucker is better to think about than a lot of other shit in my life right now. Granted, that’s probably a huge red flag about dating right now and/or bringing someone new into my life. If only I had read my previous blogs before I jumped back into the online dating cesspool! Will I never learn?

Oh I think I did this time. No more online dating until I move.

FUTURE SELF: Online dating=bad idea. You know this. Don’t do it 

Rather than picking a fight with family via Facebook…

Today, my cousin posted a blog link on her teenage daughter’s wall. The blog was talking about teenage girls need to be modest. A loud message I constantly received growing up in the church. Here’s my response…

What about the teenage boys? Why not teach these young men to respect women-all women regardless of how they are dressed and posed? And whilst we are talking about how young women dress and pose for “selfies”, where do they get the notion of what they are doing is attractive? That’s right from media and society. You want girls to stop acting like they’re objects? Then stop shoving it down their throats that that’s all they are. Tell your daughters and young women in your life that they are a valuable part of creation and not just a substitute for a blow-up doll. Contradict the messages of advertisers and popular culture.

In my line of work, I have seen too many times when young girls are objectified by men. Those men make me want to puke. The people who justify their actions stating the little girl wanted it make me wish I didn’t place such a value on human life. I have sat across from women with crippling shame because someone along the way treated her like nothing.

So, do I think young women should be posing like they’re strippers? Absolutely not. Is there a line between modesty and shame? Yes! It’s a huge gulf. But lets not say there is a simple solution to the objectification of young girls and women in general. It’s a larger societal problem, and it goes back for generations when women were considered property. I ask if you have any influence over a younger person to encourage her/him to respect themselves and to respect others.

PS Young men can be as objectified as young women. I’m just responding to my cousin posting a blog to her teenage daughter.

Dreaming of Sudoku

I keep dreaming of sudoku, and I’m relieved. Given the events of the week, my dreams could be a lot worse. So, I play the number game before bed until my eyes are fried, which doesn’t take that long as I forget to blink. But that’s not the point of this blog. In fact, I’m not sure that this blog has a point except to process the week.

Lets start off with the least worrisome… I listened to the guy’s (as in guy of previous blogs) podcast where he and his friend discuss what happened. You know that gut wrenching anxiety you feel when you watch Meet the Parents? Yeah, it was worse than that. Physical pains in my stomach. And it wasn’t as though he was saying anything negative or untrue. But fuck me! I knew it was about me, and best friend was laughing the whole time we were listening. So really, she did it to torture me. I appreciate that about her. It’s why we’re friends after all this time. The worst part is he is even more of a person now that I’ve heard his side of the story. Isn’t the whole point of meeting people online is the anonymity?!?! Maybe I was wrong. Anyhow… Now, for reals, I hope this is behind us, and she never brings up guy again.

There was a super awkward intern meeting at my internship on Tuesday. I’ll let you in on an industry secret… counselors/therapists are FUCKING AWKWARD! Seriously, you’d think a group of people who make people their business would be at least slightly above the awkward line. Nope. Granted, we talked our shit out to some degree, but holy crap for a while there, it was as though I were watching Meet the Parents. (I probably should stop picking on that movie.) Then today, my supervisor wanted to talk about it one on one to get my reaction, which surprisingly wasn’t that awkward. Maybe it’s just compared to Tuesday that our meeting today wasn’t awkward. Oooh it’s the chicken or the egg bullshit question… And mind fuck is over.

Monday… I don’t know what to say about it. I was doing crafts as peoples’ lives were forever changed. Lives ended and I was playing with glitter glue. In the aftermath, there’s confusion. What could possibly be the statement behind blowing up the marathon? Did those responsible think it would be fun to pretend to be Batman villains and make chaos for the sake of chaos? It makes no fucking sense! Then as a counselor/therapist, I wonder what the backlash will be against those who have mental health diagnoses, because lets be fucking honest… Who the hell in their right mind would hate fun runners so much as to try and blow them up? (Too soon to be so crass?)

And that’s my week in review. I don’t really want to go to class tomorrow. If I weren’t going to Japan next month, this would have been the quarter I completed my internship. Instead, I’m tacking on ten more weeks. But hey, I’m safe and so are my loved ones. I have it better than a lot of people.

Do you ever wish…

Do you ever wish it were May? May means going to Japan and seeing people. People who see me for me.

Do you ever wish to forget? Forget that one time when I did that thing to make me blush. Blush is something I do every day.

Do you ever wish life could be paused? Paused in those moments I wish to go on. On until I memorized every detail.

Do you ever wish it took less time to write sentences? Sentences about life and love. Love that isn’t coming.

Do you ever wish certain things were acceptable? Acceptable to others with judgmental stares. Stares that make me feel like a kid.

Do you ever wish life were like sudoku? Sudoku where I stare at it long enough and it makes sense. Sense to me.

A Letter She’ll Never Read

Dear _______,

Who the fuck do you think you are? Seriously. I want to know who you are convinced you are in order to speak to anyone that way. Guess what bitch! Who ever think you are, you’re wrong. Totally wrong.

I am baffled how you have children, and how they’ve managed to live with you. I bet your kids are the type of people who end up in my office. Hell, if I were your kid, I’d probably kill myself because you suck. You are a wretched person, and I can’t believe you ever thought you are good at what you do.

I’ve never wanted to punch anyone in the face as badly as I’ve wanted to punch you. Well, in recent years. You fucked up my entire week. Thank you. I didn’t want to expect too much from you like respect. I hope you get fired and blacklisted. You cannot treat people like that and not expect a reaction.

Fuck off,

Me.

I feel better now. Not my finest work, but I needed to get that off my chest.

I don’t know if this is even going to deserve a title

I’ve been going back and forth about writing this blog. Partly because if I look at the screen for too long without contacts my eyes fry, and I lost my contacts this week. (Not a huge deal as I have new ones coming but still can’t see until they get here.) Also, I don’t want to think about my most recent adventures with online dating any more. However, I do, in fact, keep thinking about it. I can’t help but think that if this whole thing had happened to three less socially awkward people, it wouldn’t have been quite the ordeal and freak out it turned into.

Alas, it happened to me (and two other quite socially retarded people), and I’m left looking to the movies for what could have been. I would have never thought of comparing the situation and behaviors to Pride & Prejudice had best friend not started referring to guy as Wickham. I personally think it’s a bit extreme. I mean guy is not dating my underage sister or anything as I don’t have any sisters. This got me thinking who then is his Jane Austen equivalent?

My initial thought was Collins. Totally Collins. Save for him not being an actual vicar nor did Collins ever ignore Lizzie. But he does have the social skills of Collins (at least from my perspective. Remember: I’ve never actually seen or spoke with guy, and people usually are better online than in person. So, I shudder to think of how guy is in real life). But you know who else is a socially awkward fella in P&P? Darcy! I would have never considered Darcy if best friend hadn’t started quoting to me “She is tolerable, I suppose, but not handsome enough to tempt me.” When Elizabeth heard this, she laughed about it with her friends. When I read the last message from guy, I laughed about it with my friends.

So, does that make guy Darcy? Probably not, because guy will most likely never see my fine eyes. (The thought of running into him somewhere causes me to envy the life of a hermit, though granted, he’s so tall he’d probably only see the top of my head and wouldn’t recognize me.) Thus he is no one in Pride & Prejudice. And if I’m being totally honest, I am far too anti-social to ever be a Lizzie.

I’ve always considered myself on par with Anne Elliot from Persuasion. And suddenly things clicked. When Wentworth came back to Kellynch, he essentially ignored Anne, whilst Anne ruminates on their interactions. And lets not forget, Wentworth digs on Louisa. So yeah… we’re Persuasion. But since I don’t have Jane Austen writing my life for me, guy will never think about me again, best friend will continue to think of him as Wickham for a while, and I will move to another country where it will be much more difficult for my worlds to collide.

Which is worse…

I love (hate with the fire of a thousand flames) when I haul my ass out of bed and drive up to armpit of the Greater Seattle area just to have a client no show no call. Then not be able to return to all that I love, because I wasn’t able to get a hold of an equally flaky client scheduled for the afternoon. So… I’m stuck at a coffee shop chain until it warms up enough for me to hang out outside. I’ve only been here a half hour, and already I have been struck by a few pairings of “which is worse”. Rather than posting bad quality pics of my coffee taken on my phone, I will share my conundrums with you.

Which is worse (fellow patrons)…

Three local policemen talking about Little Wayne (note not Lil) sitting next to you or a gaggle of middle-aged stay at home moms celebrating something sitting next to you. Both represent authority figures. Both conversations have made me bite the inside of my mouth to keep the burst of laughter tickling my throat from escaping. At least the cops have guns. Conclusion: sitting next to a bunch of old biddies is worse than sitting next to local law enforcement.

Which is worse (fashion)…

A man wearing a yellow and black argyle sweater vest or one of the said gaggle from above wearing forest green cords. This is difficult. I am not fashionable in the least. I know nothing of what’s hip with the geriatric crowd (except for maybe having  hips). Cords at one point in time in my life were cool, and I can’t remember a time when argyle sweater vests were a thing. Conclusion: a man wearing a yellow and black argyle sweater vest is more offensive to my fashion sensibilities than green cords.

Which is worse (bugs)…

A medium sized spider walking across the floor (I know that a spider isn’t technically a bug-get off my junk) or a freaking huge black furry flying thing trying to get in but keeps bumping into the window. I have zero problem with spiders. None. I do have a problem with a bug tying to get me and shakes the window every time it flies into it. Conclusion: scary black furry flying bug is way worse than a spider. Note: I realize that this finding is probably very controversial as there are many people who find spiders to be the essence of all that is wrong in this world.

Which is worse (overheard conversations)…

The aforementioned “Little Wayne” convo or the most awkward introducion I’ve ever witnessed (note I said witnessed not that I’ve been part of). Both are highly laughter inducing. Both make me almost thankful I was here to witness/overhear such exchanges. This is tough. Once again I will have to default to the cops have guns, which I’m almost positive they know how to use. Conclusion: The most awkward introduction I’ve ever witnessed is worse. However, in this case, being “worse” is better.

And I’d like to take a moment to thank the elderly gent who was wearing: white sports socks with brown sandals; black sweat pants with a white stripe; a Hawaiian print shirt with aeroplanes on it and a grey sleeveless jacket. Yikes! I almost forgot about the gold chain around his neck. You sir obviously don’t give a shit, and I salute you.

Back to the games. Actually, I think I only have one more. Don’t cry dear readers, you can play this game yourselves. Just look around you.

Which is worse (Northwester)…

Guy wearing cargo shorts and flip flops or woman wearing a wool peacoat. Just to set up the situation of today: it is currently sunny out, but not warm at all (at least at the moment). Both these outfits seem a little extreme in opposite directions. It’s not THAT cold out, but it’s not THAT warm out either. It’s a problem all of us who live in the Pac Northwest face. I personally wear flip flops as much as possible, but then again I NEVER wear shorts. I also love the jackets and coats. On days like these I wear hoodies with lighter jackets-layers are key to my comfort. Conclusion: both of them fail at dressing appropriately for the weather.

Okay, maybe my last conclusion isn’t fair. Maybe it’s a “bit harsh”. But I’m tired and drinking coffee that tastes like cigarettes.